Lika Starr

Part One

Last night I came across this article that was written a couple of days ago by Nathan. His article references the recent news that the U.S. government is going after the death penalty for the 6 Gitmo detainees that will stand trial for their involvement in the terrorist attacks on 9/11.

Nathan’s article is really more about his views on the death penalty. He says he is strongly against the death penalty but somehow amongst those strong beliefs he feels these detainees deserve it.

I agree, but…

I usually try to stay away from personal stories that talk about murder. It’s not because I don’t care or lack compassion. It’s because it strums up some pretty horrific memories of years past. On occasion it does come up and it usually slaps me right in the face. That happened when I read Nathan’s article. I can usually cope just fine when I see a news headline because generally the associated story is somewhat made up of unemotional facts. It’s when someone interjects personal feelings that I feel the emotional sting of the slap. Of course I never blame the writer or speaker. It’s not their fault. It’s my own demons that I must continue to face.

When I was a kid I would always write things out that troubled me and it seemed to help a great deal because I could see it, reread it and make clearer decisions or put closure on it. As I’ve gotten older and experienced certain things in life I think I’ve learned to suppress the more uncomfortable feelings.

I love writing about subjects I find interesting but even after having started my own blog I still find it troublesome to write about those things that are so very personal to me. Today is different, I have the urge to just let go and do it. Before that urge fades I decided to start writing. Of course having the courage to push the [publish] button is another thing. If you are reading this then I somehow found that courage. If you’ve read this far and decide to keep reading you’re about to get a glimpse from the deepest, darkest recesses of my soul.

I’ll break for part two here. I know how lengthy some of my articles can be so if you’ve got something to take care of, now would be a good time to do it. When you’re ready Part Two is after the jump (you might want to bookmark the page).

Part Two

[Fraetta's Death Dealer]

I’ll start out by sharing my views on the death penalty. Being raised in the South and a Southern Baptist in my youth, my early beliefs were stemmed from the old “eye for an eye” mentality that came with growing up in my heritage. In short i supposed I favored the death penalty in my early years without question or putting much thought into it.

As a kid and young teenager I used to enjoy fishing and going on hunting trips with my father. We’d hunt deer, rabbits, quail and ducks. Up until I was about 14 I enjoyed each kill and was proud as if I’d won a trophy. But I was more proud of the pride my father felt in me for learning how to hunt with him and the bond we shared in doing so. Even though I was ecstatic every time I brought down my target my father always taught me that it was wrong to kill for pride. He said we only kill what we would eat. And he was right. We did eat what we killed. In fact, we were the only two out of our family that would eat wild game. There was one exception to this. My entire family loved fish and everyone but my older sister loved to go fishing. We would often go on family camping and fishing trips for which I have very fond memories of.

I was about 14 when things changed. The transformation was almost overnight. I suddenly realized that I didn’t like hunting. I would think about their lives and how they were ended without warning. I recall telling my dad I didn’t want to go hunting with him and that I felt what we were doing was wrong. I also realized that all those years prior I didn’t really like the taste of the wild game I had killed with the exception of rabbit. I can’t deny to this day that in my honest opinion; bar-b-qued rabbit is better than bar-b-qued chicken (but I still won’t eat rabbit). Looking back I really think I just wanted to be like my dad at the time. It really was a bonding thing. It’s simple really, instead of playing baseball or football we hunted.

Before I get to far off track I’ll say that was the point in my life when I started becoming my own person. I doubt seriously I ever thought much of the death penalty at the age of 14. But I do recall how I felt a few years later going into my twenties. I was torn between what was right and wrong with it. Part of me favored the death penalty and part of me didn’t. I would question myself in relation to self-defense. I knew I wouldn’t just stand there and let someone kill me without trying to defend myself even if it meant killing them first. So, I would ask myself where or what is the justification in a death sentence. Is it justice or vengeance? Ultimately I would decide that I was against the death penalty simply because I didn’t feel anyone had the right to take another life unless a person was defending himself or herself.

It was just a few years later that I would unfortunately be introduced to the most horrific and ultimate test of of my life. That day came when my ex brother-in-law shot and killed my older sister. When it happened I immediately felt sheer shock and was totally devastated. I knew my brother-in-law was a jerk (seriously…he was an asshole) and an alcoholic. He also physically and mentally abused my sister. All of us siblings tried for years to get my sister to leave him. She would often have bruises that she claimed occurred from various “around the house” accidents. One time she confided in me and said she wanted to leave him but was afraid to. That was nearly two years prior to her death.

After she was killed he told us how it happened. He said it was accident. He said he’d been out at target practice with his son that day. He had a collection of over 30 guns including handguns, rifles and shotguns. It think he also had one semi-automatic that resembled a machine gun. He was really into guns and he knew them well. He told us that when my sister was killed he was telling my her about his day at target practice. He said one of his guns was off-target but then he picked up the gun that would ultimately meet with my sister’s fate. As he picked up the handgun he told her, “this one’s right on the money” and the gun fired, shooting my sister in the head.

He cried as he told us his story. I believed him, my older brother believed him but our younger sister didn’t. She had lived with them for a while and knew him better than any of us. He was originally charged with manslaughter. Over the next 3 months while we were awaiting his trial he had told another version of his story. It was like he couldn’t remember exactly what he had said before. The second version was close but different enough to raise some questions with us. Still I thought that maybe he was just so traumatized that he didn’t remember exactly what happened. Then there was a third version which was completely different. It was then I knew for sure he was lying.

I never hated someone as much in my life as I hated that man. Over the next few weeks I started thinking the most horrible things. Things I’m not proud of at all. Things I cannot mention here. With clear vision these thoughts would invade my mind. I could not get over the fact that this fuckface killed my sister - I hated him. I didn’t want to kill him but I did want him to suffer both mentally and physically for what he did. I never knew I was capable of thinking such torturous things that somehow seemed to satisfy me.

Those thoughts troubled me beyond belief. Part of me felt like I was no better than him because of them. It was a trying time that tore me apart on the inside. I was able to get it together and the thoughts were short lived. I would never have acted on them anyway because I am not vindictive by nature. That is fortunate for him (and me).

By the time of his trial he was offered a plea bargain. He and his lawyer declined the offer and he was tried for murder on a upgraded charge because forensics showed the gun was fired at point blank range. His story changed again at the trial. By that time he said he was cleaning his gun when it fired accidentally killing his wife. The DA would not let us attend the trial. They said doing so would hurt their case. The DA also said he wanted to keep us out of the courtroom in case they needed our testimony. Neither ever happened no matter how much we begged.

Up until that time my sister’s killer had only spent one night in jail. That was when he was arrested when charges were brought against him, he posted bail the next day. We were happily relieved to learn the jury unanimously voted to convict him of murder in the 2nd degree. But it was a short lived relief. Within a few days the defense attorney had the conviction overturned because of a technicality and filed a motion for a new trial. Apparently the judge had inappropriately conferred with the jurors whilst they were deliberating.

A new trial was set for a few months later. Once the conviction was overturned and as unbelievable as it is he was back out on the streets again. A few weeks before the new trial the DA called a meeting with us. He told us he was going to offer a plea bargain in exchange for a guilty plea. The exchange was involuntary manslaughter with a probated sentence. We were appalled and argued ferociously with the DA. But he wouldn’t bend on his decision. He reminded us about things that were found in the bedroom the night she was killed. From drugs to other items indicating they both could have lived a promiscuous lifestyle. He tried to convince us that we didn’t want all that to come out. He told us that the defendant had a new attorney and he would ruin the family name, etc. In the first trial that stuff was brought up but it wasn’t used against my sister. Instead they focused on remorse and how my sister’s killer suffered from the accidental shooting. The DA promised us the new defense attorney would use a new strategy this time around since the defendant was previously found guilty of murder. He said this time they would paint our sister as a whore and try to justify the rage on the defendant’s part that resulting in an accidental shooting. He did everything to try and force to give in.

When we still refused, the DA told us the truth. He said the county could not afford another expensive murder trial and that his decision was final. He went on to say that if this ever came up he would deny ever saying it. He told us that these types of criminals always mess up and he was confident he would fail his probation and serve his time. Then he just said “I’m sorry, but this meeting is over,” he stood up and walked towards the door. I remember yelling at him as he walked out. I yelled, “If it was your sister or your daughter you wouldn’t do this.” The response I got was a shut door as he walked out of the room.

In hindsight there’s the should of; would of; could of. Yeah, we should have made a commotion that couldn’t have gone unnoticed in the DA’s office but we didn’t. Instead, we were too distraught and walked out quietly. Of course the DA was nowhere in sight so the thought never crossed our minds. I’m sure that’s exactly why he made sure he was out of sight.

The DA was right. My ex brother-in-law did mess up and fail his probation on illegal drug use. But it would take him nearly 8 years to get caught. Or, I should say it took his probation officer 8 years to overturn his probation after repeated drug test failures. He was finally sent to prison but that was only after the judge couldn’t get a promise out of him to clean up his act at the hearing. Yes, they tried to offer him yet another chance at freedom. We were there for this one and I think that startled him. He was really messed up and had lost the poise he was said to have had at the original trial. Maybe it was eating at him. Maybe us being there ate at him. Who knows…

He was sent to prison but ultimately it was a short incarceration since he was already almost done with his original probation sentence. It was extremely short in comparison to his original murder conviction. He was released early a few months ago.

This brings me to how I feel about the death penalty now. I think if a murder is committed in cold-blood and or a calculated manner then a death sentence is warranted. Otherwise if it is truly accidental (but that’s not really murder) then it should be life in prison without parole. Under any circumstances in a murder case of the actual perpetrator there should be no plea bargains for a lesser charge.

Writing this article brings a new question to mind for me. How do I feel now about the man who killed my sister and do I still think he deserves to die for what he did? Obviously, there was a time when I wanted nothing more than to see him pay for my sister’s death with his own life. Now that time has passed and I’ve been able to move on with my life I don’t really have an answer. I don’t know the answer because I really do not know what happened that fateful night. If my sister’s death wasn’t in cold-blood or calculated then no, I do not think he deserves to die. However I am certain that he should have been locked up for the remainder of his life.

There is only one course of action to bring some sort of closure for me and that is to know exactly what happened. My sister’s killer is the only one who knows the truth. I’ve thought about making contact and asking him now that he has no reason to lie. The problem is I know I couldn’t bare to hear it. So I’ve made the choice not to pursue it. That choice also means I have to accept the demons that haunt my soul. Fortunately for me I am strong enough to carry the burden.